Dec. 3, 2001
Dear Father,
I’m writing to tell you that I am dropping out of BYU. I know it is only the first semester of my freshman year, and I’m sure you think that I haven’t given it much of a chance, but things are not going well for me here. I guess I’m partially to blame. Since my arrival here, I’ve done nothing but try to stir up trouble. First it was that whole thing where I was trying to get the Mormon community to gather an army for a modern day crusade of the holy land—I mean, shouldn’t Christians value that land more than the Jews or Muslims. I thought so, but the bishops here kept saying that America was God’s chosen land.
Anyway, as bad as things were, they have become unbearable for me these past few weeks ever since I started openly sympathizing with Osama Bin Laden and his al Queda terrorist network. Well, there you have it; I didn’t know how to break that to you but I’ll try to explain. I know it was just this past October that I was writing to tell you about how my friends and I drove around Salt Lake all that one night looking for a mosque to vandalize—remember, we never found one so we had to settle for that Indian buffet.
Well it turns out that Indians aren’t even Muslims after all; they’re actually Hindus and hate Muslims just as much as Americans do. You will also probably recall me so proudly relaying to you the story of how we tried again to be good Americans afterwards by beating up that foreign looking guy in our dorm. That one didn’t end well either; it turns out that he was a Mexican and Catholic, not Muslim. Fortunately, I think they must have deported him before he could press any charges since we haven’t seen him around lately. Anyway, those two failures really got me thinking. It seemed like someone, some higher being, was trying to tell me something.
Well, a lot has changed since those days. I decided that I should probably make an effort to educate myself about the Islamic faith to avoid future embarrassments, so I sent away to one of those schools in Pakistan that they always show on television. A week or so later I got their brochure in the mail, which explained everything to me more clearly. I guess it was that brochure more than anything else that convinced me to convert to Islam. I know this must be hard for you to accept, but I’ve never completely bought into this whole Mormon thing to begin with. I guess it just took me going of to college on my own to come to that realization.
I think one of the things that really turned me off from the Church of Latter Day Saints was that Joe Smith guy. I mean, what kind of name is that for a prophet. Muhammad, now there’s an impressive name. I also never really bought the whole “golden plates” story. First of all, how could they be the key to our whole religion and Joe Smith loses them. Wouldn’t you do anything you could to hang on to them if they were so important, maybe a safe deposit box or something? Also, the book of Mormon is extremely long; can you imagine the amount of golden plates there must have been. How could he even transport that many golden plates anywhere, let alone lose them. And even if he really did find those golden plates, how did he know they weren’t just a bunch of drunken ramblings that some hobo had left behind. When Muhammad wrote the Koran, he took dictation first hand from the angel Gabriel, who got it directly from God—no doubting his sources.
Now, before you go getting all upset, let me explain a bit about Islam to you. It’s not really that different from Mormonism when you get right down to it. Muslims believe in one almighty God. They believe in Christ too. So he’s not the son-of-God to them; he is one of their most important prophets, and you could do a lot worse than that. Of course, Muhammad is a lot like Smith, only better as I explained above. Both religions are very strict and orthodox in their practices. And—you’ll like this one—they both treat women as essentially inferior beings. That’s right, Father, Muslims are polygamous, so it’s just like the good old Mormon Fundamentalism you’re always raving about. And, not only do Muslims not let women become priests, they don’t let them do much of anything. I mean, they’re not even allowed to show their faces in some of those countries.
The religion itself has five basic pillars, as they call them in the brochure, that one must live by. Some of them are going to take some adjustment on my part, but Islam is all about surrendering yourself and that’s what I’m prepared to do.
First you have to accept that there is only one God, and you have to call him Allah instead of God, or else he gets mad.
Next, you have to pray five times a day towards the holy city of Mecca. I have been doing this as much as possible to make up for lost time. In fact, just yesterday I prayed toward Mecca thirty-six times. I was able to find Mecca on the map with no problem; it is basically even latitude with Provo. The only problem I’ve been having with this is that I can’t tell on the map I have if Mecca is closer to here facing East or West, so I’ve been alternating.
The next pillar is the giving of alms. While I haven’t quite figured out exactly what alms are yet, I’m anxiously looking forward to giving lots of them away. I think I’ve got it narrowed down to either some kind of plant or some kind of fruit.
Next one seems to be the toughest to me. You have to fast during the month of Ramadan. No wonder those guys over there are so skinny. Fasting for a whole month seems a bit excessive to me, but maybe you get used to it. I also haven’t been able to find an Islamic calendar in any of the local stores around here, so I haven’t figured out which month it actually is. One guy on our floor told me that it coincides with April, but I think he might have been yanking my chain.
The last one I’m not too worried about. You’re supposed to make a pilgrimage to Mecca if possible. Notice the loophole, “if possible.” I can just say that I couldn’t make it and I’m off the hook.
I’m also supposed to grow a beard. They listed that one with an asterisk, so I’m not sure if it’s a pillar or just a recommendation. Hopefully the later since I haven’t even started shaving yet.
Okay, so here’s the kicker. I have decided to move to Afghanistan and join Bin Laden. Now I know what you’re going to say, but the brochure I got from Pakistan makes some good arguments in the guy’s favor. I really think he’s just very misunderstood outside of his homeland. He’s just mad at America because we exploit all of those Islamic countries for their fossil fuels. Did you know that America uses up more of the world’s resources per-capita than any other nation? It’s ridiculous. I’ve been trying to do my part here at BYU. Since winter began I’ve been sneaking down to the basement every night and shutting off the gas heater in protest of our wasteful nature as Americans. Needless to say, I have become most unpopular with my fellow dormmates. I try to make them see it my way, but they just don’t get it. That is one of the reasons why I can’t continue to live here. I need to be around others who share my beliefs.
I’m shipping out for Afghanistan tomorrow morning, so by the time you get this letter it will be too late. I’m not exactly sure where I’m going, but I understand Afghanistan is only about the size of Ohio, so it shouldn’t be too hard to find Bin Laden and his men.
I know this is going to come as a big disappointment to you since you were meaning to take me, along with the other kids, and mom and the other wives, to the Winter Olympics up in Salt Lake this year, but I’m just going to have to miss out I guess. I had considered staying for the games and cheering for the skiers and skaters from the Middle East, but it seems that they are going to be severely underrepresented this year. I’m sure this is another Western conspiracy.
Sorry if I’ve let you down, Father. You have always been a good father to all of your children and a good husband to all of your wives. I’ll try to send you some alms during my layover in Yemen.
Your loving son, Isiah Zahn
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